what kind of mom are you?

I'm going to type an excerpt from a book, but I don't exactly know how to cite it. It's from the book "Real Moms, Exploding the Myths of Motherhood" by Elisa Morgan and Carol Kuykendall. I hope that's good enough to not get me into trouble for plagerism.



"I have this theory. There are three kinds of women. There's the woman who has always known (like, from birth) that she has wanted to be a mother, and she is fantastic at it, thriving in this role. (In fact, for her, it's not a role; it is who she is to the core.) On the other end of the spectrum is the woman who (also, almost from birth) has always known that she did NOT want to be a mother, and she finds her womanly fulfillment in a myriad of other ways throughout her life. Then there's the other one in the middle somewhere, the one who wants to be a mom but is the kind that does not automatically love all children. (She loves hers completely and cares infinitely for the children of her friends and extended family, but that's about the extent of it.) For her, mothering is amazing but isn't necessarily the defining factor in her life. I have always candidly believed I have fallen into the middle category. I love my kids, but this mothering thing sort of rubs me the wrong way sometimes. Requiring much more selflessness than I ever would have guessed and much more than I seem to have at my disposal to dole out. I have these longings--to do so much more, to be so much more--a longing to still be the one being taken care of, instead of the consummate caregiver."

I am the middle mom. I love my girls, but some days I long for freedom. I look forward to them growing up. I don't let my babies sleep with me. I encourage my kids to walk as early as possible (Catie took steps at 9 1/2 months. Lydia, at 10 1/2 months). I wasn't sad when Catie moved into her toddler bed. I imagine that I might have tears in my eyes when they each go off to school, but I'll also know that it's a step in the inevidable direction. I wonder what sports they will play and who their friends will be. I look forward to seeing who they become as young women in college and what career choice they make. I envision what their wedding invitations might look like and what it will be like to see each of them stand up as maids-of-honor at each others weddings. I don't think this makes me a bad mom as long as I also pay attention to the moments of these young days. If you are the first kind of mom, you may understand me as little as I understand you.

Welcome Fall

I love this season. Part of the reason we purchased our house is b/c it is surrounded by trees and when fall comes around we are surrounded by color. (If you want to come enjoy it please stop by.) I love the smells of fall, the food of fall, the festivals of fall. I love the chill in the air and the need to put an extra blanket on my bed. I love seeing my deer again as they come out of the woods into my yard. I love baking apple pies and pumpkin cookies. I love making chili and chicken soup. I even love that winter is on it's way, but that's another post.

My only argument with fall is that it bring memories with it. And not all those memories are good. This year it will have been 8 years since Andrew's death and I still dread that part of fall. September 30 was his birthday. October 22nd was the day of his surgery. November 2 is the day printed on his death certificate. I chose to greive well when he died. I decided that if I had to go through it I was going to do it right. I didn't want any lingering emotions bottled up inside for years to come. I wanted to get it ALL out. That is still true. When I enter into the fall season I have to face that grief again every year, and I'm still choosing to do it well.

A friend posted this recently and I think she phrases it well: "be overtaken by pain". That's the only way to get to the other side. Grief isn't a nice little stream to cross while pulling up your pantlegs. You can't just tiptoe your way through and expect to survive. It's a raging river that runs so deep your head can't stay above. The only way to get to the other side is to be overtaken. Let the river run over you and take you where it wants to go. The end results will always be worth the near drowning. It's got to be better than feeling like you're drowning for the rest of your life. I thank God that He gave me the strength to be overtaken. Which, I think, is another important point. It can't be done without God. Trusting Him to join you in the river, to be the Breath of Life when you can't catch yours. He knows the river. He created it. He can get you through safely and help you get established on the other side.

At times like this, when I am forced to remember that horrible time, I have to remind myself to continue to trust and grieve well. I'm not afraid to talk about Andrew or to remember him. Sometimes I dig out pictures and just sit and think about who he was and remind myself that it's ok to miss him. He was my best friend for years. And on the other side of that grief and those memories are blessings "beyond all we could ask or imagine". I have 4 that live and breath, but SOOOO many more that are not tangible. I have been blessed.

So, Welcome Fall!!! Bring on the goodness and bring on the painful memories b/c I'm trusting God with my pain and my blessings.

What's in a name?

I always wanted my children to have names with meaning. Not just the kind of meaning you can put on a bookmark that you buy at a Christian bookstore, but the kind that adds significance to their life. The kind they can grow up proud of. The kind they can talk about and pass on to their own children.

When we chose Cate's name it was fairly easy. "Catherine" was the name of my maternal grandmother. "Margaret" was the name of my paternal grandmother and also my middle name. So, Catie is "Catherine Margaret".

We had a bit more difficulty naming Lydia. We just couldn't come up with anything until the last few months of my pregnancy. James's mom is "Linda Elaine". We weren't fond of the name "Linda", so we chose "Lydia Elaine" instead.

Part of the reason I was hoping for a boy this time was b/c I had NO IDEA what we would name a little girl. We have boy names lined up for miles, but no girl names.

One day the girls were watching a Veggie Tales video about Moses and James said "Miriam is a nice name". I was blown away. Not once during the previous 2 pregnancies has James suggested a name. That was my job. He just got to veto all of them. I liked the name as well and it stuck. Daddy picked out Miriam's name and I think it's so sweet.

Her middle name, "Kristin", came from one of my closest friends. I have a lot of friends that I would be happy for my girls to immitate in life, but if they turned out to be EXACTLY like Kristin I would love it. She is one of those people that encourages without saying a word. When I have a chance to visit with her, whether it's on the phone or in person, I feel refreshed. Everyone should have a friend like that and I hope my girls, especially Miriam, can be that kind of friend.

We love you Kris! I can't wait for you to meet Miriam Kristin.

the birth story.

Miriam was due on the 10th of August. That day came and went with NO progress. I walked. I hiked. I cleaned. I ran a marathon...ok, so that's a lie. I was done being pregnant though. With each of my pregnancies I have had a fairly easy time. My body seems to enjoy being pregnant, but these girls get uncomfortably low in my belly for the last...well...for the entire pregnancy, it seems. The pain I feel related to this gets significantly worse toward the end and this pregnancy was worse in the last days than the other two. That, combined with my doctor's preferring that I deliver on or before 41 weeks and thinking that this baby could be 8+ lbs led us to do an elective induction. We chose the 14th. Why not.

The big girls went to Gma's and Gpa's on thursday night and we went to the hospital on friday morning. The nurse and the doctor had trouble determining how dilated I was and, finally, the doctor said I was NOT dilated, but was about 50% effaced. In the office I had been about 1 cm and 50% (ok, so i lied about the "no progress" thing, but as far as I was concerned that's not progress.) We decided to use Cervidil and hope that kick starts things with the expectation that we would do Pitocin if it didn't.

When the doctor gave me the Cervidil she realized I was 3 cm and 80% effaced. PRAISE THE LORD!! The decision was made to walk the halls for a few hours and see what happened. During that very brisk (b/c i was determined that this was going to work) walk i had contractions that seemed to be about 10 minutes apart, but weren't too intense. By 11:15, I was exhausted from walking. Unfortunately, the nurse determined that I was only about 2.5 cm and 80% effaced. UGH!!! How disappointing. Tears followed and James and I discussed our options. We thought about going home and letting it happen naturally, since it seemed as though something wanted to start, but, in the professional judgment of the nurse, I wasn't likely to start on my own for a few days at least.

We were there for the purpose of bringing home our little girl, so that's what we were going to do.

By this time it was almost noon. James went to get lunch and the nurse came to start the Pitocin. I wanted an epidural, but waited until James came back at 12:30. I was having contractions in that time, but nothing too bad.

And then came the worst part of the day....the epidural. The doctor that showed up to do it was the best I was told. That reassured me a little. When I had an epidural for Catie's delivery my blood pressure bottomed out and I felt like I was going to die. Honestly...it was the scariest moment of my life. I passed out and needed to be given ephedrine (basically, adrenaline) to bring my pressure back up. Then I vomited and felt ok. This time I struggled while he put in the epidural. I felt the pressure and even a bit of discomfort and, I'll admit, I was a wimp. I cried. I whined. I held onto James's arm with a death grip. I think James struggled more though. The nurse thought he was going to pass out. He told me later that he thought I was in a LOT of pain. Like I said...I was a wimp. I'm scared of epidurals. The thought of a needle entering my back doesn't sit well with me.

(At this point I was 5cm dilated and the nurse told me she was going to start getting the room ready for delivery b/c she didn't trust me. She thought I was going to go quickly. This made me happy. This was also about the time the doctor broke my water.)

Once the epidural was in, I had to know what my pressure was every time it was checked. The nurse had drawn up the ephedrine just in case, but my pressure held. I still felt very anxious, so I held oxygen near my face and I tried to rest. I think I did sleep a little.

By 2pm I was 6/7 cm and by 3 i was 8/9cm. That's when the doctor was called to come in. At 3:40 I was able to push. Delivery gets easier (HAHAHA) with each child. I think it has a lot to do with knowing HOW to do it. With that first push I wanted to quit, but, knowing that was not an option, I decided that if I was going to have to do it, I might as well do it right. 2 pushes total and Miriam was born at 3:47pm. It wouldn't have taken that long, but she had the cord around her neck once and needed a LOT of suctioning. She was also transverse, meaning she was facing my hip. James told me later that the doctor actually took hold of her head and turned her. He was hoping the body was turning with that head. She was born beautiful and fully intact at 7# 15oz. and 20 in. long.When our ultrasound was done at 20 weeks, the U/S tech wasn't 100% sure she was a SHE. We didn't share this info and just planned for a girl. When she was born though, noone even checked to be sure of the gender, so I asked.

She's a she.

I love having 3 daughters. Catie and Lydia adore her...a bit too much. I fear for her safety at times.

She has been great about sleeping and eating on a regular schedule. She's done at about 9 or 10pm and sleeps until 1 am. then 4am and 7am feedings. I don't plan for this to continue, but choose to enjoy it each time it happens. (by the way, I'm a professional formula-feeding mom. Seriously...I've got it down to a science. :) )

Life is different with the 3rd. I'm so much more relaxed which translates to Miriam being much more relaxed. What a life!!!! I am thanking the Lord for His blessings and waiting for my body to recover completely.

This man is the best daddy a little girl can have.

I'm pretty happy to have her here.

She was getting cleaned up...the nurse gave her a mohawk.

A big yawn as we were leaving the hospital. (one of my favorites.)

There are a lot more pictures on FB....check those out as well, if you haven't already.

a little less annoyed, but I'm hoping I'm still irritable

Here's the scoop. I've signed up to be induced tomorrow morning. After much prayer for wisdom and patience, a LOT of thinking, and a significant discussion with my husband I am at peace with this decision. There are many factors that we have considered. The most important one being the size of this baby which is already estimated to be over 8#. I am making no progress, let me repeat that more emphatically.........NO PROGRESS, as far as dilating/effacing. With my other 2 I was dilated and significantly effaced at least a week before my due date. As far as I can tell, the longer I wait, the more this child grows and I could likely need to be induced anyway. or worse...need a c-section r/t the size of the baby. I, myself, was a 10# 8oz infant born on August 23 after a due date of around August 10. Oh, and I was the 3rd baby. See what I'm saying?! :) James also made a point of reminding me that Dr. Scalzone was willing to induce at 38 weeks if I had wanted to with Lydia. As conservative as he is, he does tend to listen to the mom...which is probably why I like him so much. :)

I would appreciate your prayers that the Lord would simply put me into labor naturally over the course of the next 12+ hours. If that doesn't happen, I would like the Cervidil to stimulate labor without needing Pitocin. Wouldn't that be absolutely wonderful?! I feel as though my body is ready...ha...you might disagree since it is not IN labor currently, but I'm trying not to care. :) It seems that when I hear an opinion that is against induction, my peace is stolen and I start to second guess our decision. I don't need to be doing that. I need to make a decision and go with it until the Lord, Himself, removes the peace without help from others.

So that's my story. I have yet to decide if I will post anything on facebook about the induction specifically. I might just let it happen and then post afterward. Who knows....

Thank you for your prayers and your support. I'll keep you posted.

annoyed and irritable

I'm annoyed at myself for putting stock into the thought that I could/would/should deliver early based on the fact that Lydia was early and fast. I wish I had continued to think of my due date as August 14 and this feeling of annoyance wouldn't exist in my life (yet).

I went to another Dr.'s appt. today and found out nothing is happening. NOTHING!!! I had to have an ultrasound yesterday b/c I'm past my due date and my amniotic fluid might be low. Are you kidding me?! Who do you think this is?! Of course, my fluid isn't low! My body LOVES to be pregnant and would never do anything to jeopardize the current pregnancy or the possibilty of another one in the future. Today they did a non-stress test to be sure the baby is tolerating things well. Again--have you met me or my children for that matter!? My little girls are indestructible!! No amount of past due-ness would cause them any bit of distress.

(Don't get me wrong...I consider myself blessed. I would not trade my situation for one in which the child is in danger or distress. I love the fact that my body tolerates pregnancy so well. I love that I can be fairly certain that my pregnancies will result in a healthy baby. At the moment, I'm just really tired. Tired of being pregnant. Tired of waiting to meet her. Tired of being in limbo with the rest of my plans for the month.)

My doctor, whom I trust completely, is on vacation. If he were here I don't know that he would've rushed to do these two tests so quickly, but the PA wanted to be extra cautious I guess. I miss my doctor. I wish he had chosen a better time to be on vacation than weeks 40 and 41 of my pregnancy. The PA, whom I like, would prefer that I not go beyond 41 weeks. THAT'S MONDAY!!!! I don't want to be induced at all, let alone being induced this week!!! My doctor is fairly conservative. That's what I like best about him. I would simply like to know his opinion. I think I will call his nurse in the morning and ask her what she thinks. I respect her opinion as well.

I consider myself irritable b/c that's what the nurse told me. (yep, the same nurse I respect.) :) When she did the non-stress test she said that my uterus was showing signs on irritability. That's a good thing, but I'm trying to pretend I didn't even hear it.

Please pray for me. I'm annoyed. I'm irritable.

for those of you who want to see me pregnant and can't...

(My husband has never claimed to be a very good photographer. And I have never claimed to be photogenic.)