what kind of mom are you?

I'm going to type an excerpt from a book, but I don't exactly know how to cite it. It's from the book "Real Moms, Exploding the Myths of Motherhood" by Elisa Morgan and Carol Kuykendall. I hope that's good enough to not get me into trouble for plagerism.



"I have this theory. There are three kinds of women. There's the woman who has always known (like, from birth) that she has wanted to be a mother, and she is fantastic at it, thriving in this role. (In fact, for her, it's not a role; it is who she is to the core.) On the other end of the spectrum is the woman who (also, almost from birth) has always known that she did NOT want to be a mother, and she finds her womanly fulfillment in a myriad of other ways throughout her life. Then there's the other one in the middle somewhere, the one who wants to be a mom but is the kind that does not automatically love all children. (She loves hers completely and cares infinitely for the children of her friends and extended family, but that's about the extent of it.) For her, mothering is amazing but isn't necessarily the defining factor in her life. I have always candidly believed I have fallen into the middle category. I love my kids, but this mothering thing sort of rubs me the wrong way sometimes. Requiring much more selflessness than I ever would have guessed and much more than I seem to have at my disposal to dole out. I have these longings--to do so much more, to be so much more--a longing to still be the one being taken care of, instead of the consummate caregiver."

I am the middle mom. I love my girls, but some days I long for freedom. I look forward to them growing up. I don't let my babies sleep with me. I encourage my kids to walk as early as possible (Catie took steps at 9 1/2 months. Lydia, at 10 1/2 months). I wasn't sad when Catie moved into her toddler bed. I imagine that I might have tears in my eyes when they each go off to school, but I'll also know that it's a step in the inevidable direction. I wonder what sports they will play and who their friends will be. I look forward to seeing who they become as young women in college and what career choice they make. I envision what their wedding invitations might look like and what it will be like to see each of them stand up as maids-of-honor at each others weddings. I don't think this makes me a bad mom as long as I also pay attention to the moments of these young days. If you are the first kind of mom, you may understand me as little as I understand you.

Welcome Fall

I love this season. Part of the reason we purchased our house is b/c it is surrounded by trees and when fall comes around we are surrounded by color. (If you want to come enjoy it please stop by.) I love the smells of fall, the food of fall, the festivals of fall. I love the chill in the air and the need to put an extra blanket on my bed. I love seeing my deer again as they come out of the woods into my yard. I love baking apple pies and pumpkin cookies. I love making chili and chicken soup. I even love that winter is on it's way, but that's another post.

My only argument with fall is that it bring memories with it. And not all those memories are good. This year it will have been 8 years since Andrew's death and I still dread that part of fall. September 30 was his birthday. October 22nd was the day of his surgery. November 2 is the day printed on his death certificate. I chose to greive well when he died. I decided that if I had to go through it I was going to do it right. I didn't want any lingering emotions bottled up inside for years to come. I wanted to get it ALL out. That is still true. When I enter into the fall season I have to face that grief again every year, and I'm still choosing to do it well.

A friend posted this recently and I think she phrases it well: "be overtaken by pain". That's the only way to get to the other side. Grief isn't a nice little stream to cross while pulling up your pantlegs. You can't just tiptoe your way through and expect to survive. It's a raging river that runs so deep your head can't stay above. The only way to get to the other side is to be overtaken. Let the river run over you and take you where it wants to go. The end results will always be worth the near drowning. It's got to be better than feeling like you're drowning for the rest of your life. I thank God that He gave me the strength to be overtaken. Which, I think, is another important point. It can't be done without God. Trusting Him to join you in the river, to be the Breath of Life when you can't catch yours. He knows the river. He created it. He can get you through safely and help you get established on the other side.

At times like this, when I am forced to remember that horrible time, I have to remind myself to continue to trust and grieve well. I'm not afraid to talk about Andrew or to remember him. Sometimes I dig out pictures and just sit and think about who he was and remind myself that it's ok to miss him. He was my best friend for years. And on the other side of that grief and those memories are blessings "beyond all we could ask or imagine". I have 4 that live and breath, but SOOOO many more that are not tangible. I have been blessed.

So, Welcome Fall!!! Bring on the goodness and bring on the painful memories b/c I'm trusting God with my pain and my blessings.