Taking the bad with the good

Autumn is my favorite time of year. I love the colors as the trees change. I love the smell of the crisp air. I love knowing that soon I will be cozy and warm b/c of the fire burning in the furnace. I love the possibility of being snowed in for days with my family. I love driving in the snow. I love the anticipation of Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's Eve. I love that the fall brings Catie's birthday on November 3rd. (She will be 2 this year.) I love the end of mowing the lawn and the beginning of raking leaves to play in. I love sweaters and sweatshirts and winter coats. I love feeding the birds.

Autumn is my least favorite time of year. I hate that every time I turn around I am reminded of loss. I hate that autumn brings death.

Today would've been Andrew's 33rd birthday. Last night I cried and James just held me like the wonderful, supportive husband that he is. He knows that my tears are not a reflection of a lack of love for him, but simply a representation of the sorrow I feel over the loss I experienced 7 years ago. Has it really been that long? I hurt for Andy's family, especially on days like today.

Autumn is hard. This time of year gives me so much to smile about, but then it also gives me reminders of something that's missing. Andrew's surgery was on October 22nd and he died on November 2nd. I know the crying is not over this season and will return next year at about the same time, but I'm okay with that. It's good to remember. Through my crying I am allowing myself to mourn. I promised myself that I would grieve well and I will continue to do so when I have moments like last night, b/c those moments only come once or twice a year. And the grief reminds me of all that is to come when death finds me and I get to spend eternity in Heaven with my Lord and my Andrew.